he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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