Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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