I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
