At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
