Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We smell like vodka and hangover
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize