Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
