She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
