What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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