Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
