I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
