I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
