Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
