apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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