can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
