woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
