I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
