woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
