Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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