At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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