Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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