I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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