do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
