bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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