my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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