my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
