my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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