You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
