Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
