yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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