my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
