The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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