its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
