making cat noises will not fix the situation.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
