Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
