Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
