I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
