well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you had me at cake vodka
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
