I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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