Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
