Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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