So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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