Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
