Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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