Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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