dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
