so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Randomize
