my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
