LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
God I need to hump something, right now.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
