my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
