I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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