In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize