Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the condom got lost in my hair
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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