A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
