I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
