My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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