Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
