he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
